Overthrowing the World Currency Market

Months and months of growing rage at financial institutions hit fever pitch with the bailout of AIG, who were so grateful at a new lease on life that they decided the way to show fiscal responsibility was by throwing themselves a series of $400,000 junkets and re-naming bonuses as "retention salary".

As the US Government bailed out these financial institutions, they did so essentially by printing more money. People don't normally walk around with little slivers of gold in their pockets worth $1, $5, or $20 to pay for things, so that's where a nation bases it's paper notes on the quantity of stockpiles it has in it's reserve. The government can print as much as it wants, but it is important to note that the volume of money isn't as important as the value of money. Print more, what you have it's worth as much.

It's hard for the government to suck up more reserves because of what's available to use. We moved away from using gold to value the dollar a long time ago, and even precious metals like silver are in limited supply.

For example, one problem with the gold standard is that the total amount of gold that has ever been mined is estimated at around 142,000 tons. Assuming a gold price of US$1,000/ounce, the total value of all the gold ever mined would be around $4.5 trillion. This is less than the value of circulating money in the U.S. alone, where more than $7.6 trillion is in circulation or in deposit. Therefore, a return to the gold standard would result in a significant increase in the current value of gold, which may limit its use in current applications.

So what is there to do? How can we keep the dollar strong while also ensuring that AIG-like companies don't continue to laugh their way to the next corporate retreat with no worry of being held accountable? It's enough to focus on the world currency market, which I think can be overthrown.

With what, you ask? Yapese stone money.

Yapese stone money. Carved out of the limestone cliffs and caves of Palau and then transported hundreds of miles away via outrigger canoe & raft by islanders from Yap, the circular stone disks carved with a large hole in the middle. The size of the stones varied widely, with the largest at 10 ft in diameter, 1.5 ft thick and weighing over 8,000 lbs. These stones were valued based on size, craftsmanship, and history. So for example:

- a small stone w/ no one dying in the chiseling and transport back to Yap: least value
- a small stone w/ no one dying, but a famous sailor brought it back to Yap: more value
- a large stone w/ no one dying: even more value
- a large stone w/ someone dying: even more value
- a large stone w/ several people dying: more valuable

- a large stone w/ several people dying & some famous sailor bringing it to Yap: most value

The stones were used in social transactions such as marriage, inheritance, political deals, sign of an alliance, ransom of battle dead or just in exchange for food. Many of them are placed in front of meeting houses or specific pathways. Though the ownership of a particular stone changes, the stone itself is rarely moved. The names of previous owners are passed down to the new one. Although Western-style money has replaced the stones as everyday currency on Yap, the stones are still exchanged in traditional ways between the Yapese.

A Valuation of Existing Yapese Stone Money

In the year 1929, 13,821 stone rounds of varying sizes were counted on the island, however currently only about half of these remain. The reason for this decrease in numbers is their commercial or bank value. The discs areofficially bought by the Bank of Hawaii and have an ordinary exchange rate that is determined by their diameter. For 1" of diameter, you can get $72. So a 10' stone is a fortune for the Yapese islanders.

So: if we can assume that of the 13,821 stones out there, half are still on Yap, that means that 6,910 are floating around and outside of Yap.

Given that one 10' diameter stone is valued at $8,640 base, premium stones could fetch as much as $20,000 given the above value constraints. Making assumptions on overall numbers and values and rounding for ease of calculation, that would mean:

Large Stones: 4,607 in existence
10' = 120". 120" x $72 = $8,640

1,152 high value: $19,640 = $22,625,280
1,152 moderately high value: $16,640 = $19,169,280
1,152 moderate value: $13,640 = $15,713,280
1,152 standard value: $8,640 = $9,953,280
Overall value of large stones: $67,461,120

Following the same calculations for medium and small stones, you end up with:

Medium stone overall value: $59,498,496

Small stone overall value: $51,535,872

Total value of existing Yapese Stone Money: $178,495,488

So what's the overall goal? Well, in overthrowing the world currency market, Yapese Stone Money would mean that greedy groups like AIG wouldn't be able to fleece as easily, and couldn't hand out bonuses as easily. Likewise, drug runners wouldn't be able to do that whole suitcase full o' hundreds as easily. Can you imagine watching a show like Miami Vice where they were conducting a transaction? Sonny Crockett decked out in pastel t-shirt and over sized linen dinner jacket smokin' a cig walks up to a dealer, who goes "you got the cash"? Crockett ominously motions over to a flatbed, straining at it's suspension with 20' of stacked stone discs loaded and strapped down. Jan Hammer's electro-symphonic tunes him away in the background.

World Domination

Is it possible? Yes. So here we go- our Step 1 plan in world domination:

A rough estimate of current world cash reserves would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $10 trillion.

Subtracting out current Yapese stone money value leaves a need for $9,999,821,504,512

So if we only focused on the 10' discs that are rated at a high premium, that would mean that 509,155,881 tablets need to be carved out of the Palau hillsides.

To carve these, I feel that the most efficient and cheapest way of doing this is with child labor. Since we aren't in the US, we can use them, and only pay them $.25/day. What a good deal!

If we employ 100,000 children to carve stone tablets, overall cost is $25,000/day- relatively cheap given our goal of amassing $10 trillion!

509,155,881 tablets carved out at a rate of 1/day by 100,000 children results in 100,000/day, or 36,500,000/year.

36.5 million tablets a year will leave us in complete control of the market in a little under 14 years.

Not bad, huh.

Now if only I can figure out whether there is enough land in Palau to make 509 million tablets and where to keep 'em all. I think my condo isn't large enough......

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